Monday, December 24, 2012

Twelve Days of Goblin Market Christmas

Twelve Acrid Cracked Postcards
Old postcards, of thick cardboard. The lamination on the front has peeled and cracked. You’ve never heard of these places: towns, parks, and events that have vanished or never were. But something about them catches your senses- a smell, a scent. It jogs a horrible memory vivid and burning- that garbage can that sat too long, the burst sewage pipe in high summer, the still full refrigerator you found dumped by the playground.

Eleven Bright Miscreant Bath Fizzers
They look delightful, wrapped in bright plastic. The basket looks old perhaps it was given as a gift and then regifted again. The individually wrapped tablets have a variety of bright scents- lavender, sandalwood, violets. Perhaps a relaxing and effervescent foam bath is exactly what you need to relax. And they would be excellent save for the shocking hue of pink, purple, or blue it turns your skin after a few minutes. Much like the videotape in The Ring, the only way to remove the coloration is to pass the basket on to another…

Ten Perverse Jumping Thermal Underwears
They’re warm and clean, wrapped and sealed in their package. A useful item for survivalists and the oft- chilled. They possess an additional power, allowing the wearer to perform prodigious leaps. They can hurdle many times their normal distance, provided that’s all they wearing. Strangely, for an unglamorous piece of attire, the long-johns cling to the body lasciviously, leaving little to the imagination.

Nine Uninterested Stupid Tiaras
A collection of princess crowns carefully collected over the years from prom queens with the lowest IQs. The touch of them spirits reason away and makes even the deepest philosopher into a shallow and vain tyrant. It is said that there exists the Old True Crown of Idiocy which will, under the strobe light, bind them.

Eight Skeletal Milky Dumbbells
Who could have been the target audience for this product- plastic translucent hand weights filled with an off-white liquid. Shake them and tiny Mexican Day of the Dead skeleton heads rattle around and comes to the surface like a grim Magic Eightball. They seem heavier than they ought to be, how can they be so heavy? The sloshing sound they make is distracting. Joe dared someone to pop a hole in one and drink whatever came out. We haven’t heard from Joe recently.

Seven Dark Unsuitable Sparkplugs
This is how you do a slow curse to someone. Drop these around their house of apartment. The sparkplugs move and conceal themselves at the back corners of boxes, drawers, and closets. Then when anyone reaches into to find something, their hand will invariably cut against the sharp edges of the sparkplug. They will multiple over time, finding their way into every nook and cranny, every odd place you have to reach into out of sight. They’ll never wonder why they have sparkplugs laying around the house, just why fate always puts them in the way. And should the victim actually require a sparkplug…THEY WON’T FIT.

Six Stygian Sallow Spats
Yellowed with aged, or perhaps something else? Are they sepia-toned or is that simply a story you tell yourself about them. The seller tells you they were prised from the feet of an unfortunate trio of Steampunk cosplayers. Those who wear them now feel the ghostly presence of spectral costumers and prop makers. The heated globbing of glue guns, the rattling hiss of an iron, and the slow staccato sound of a leather punch.

Five Golden Curved Spice Grinders
“You see you put the spices up here at the top and they run down through this series of tubes. Don’t look too closely, they’re a little non-Euclidian. The force of gravity, among others, crushes and pulverizes the spice to whatever grind you so desire. When it comes out the bottom, wah-lah, it looks like gold dust. Amazing. Just be sure to put the right spice in the right grinder. Don’t get them mixed up. I have the labels around here somewhere….”

Four Flawless Flowing Folding Maps
You are always at the center of these maps. It shows you exactly where you are, provided you are moving at a brisk pace. You can move it further away or closer to your face to see the detail. The maps are labeled in a language you can only understand when you’re asleep. If you come to a stop with one of the maps out and unfolded, it will become stuck like that permanently showing the map of the immediate area.

Three Mindful Metallic Sharpies
You know how sometimes when you’re looking for a pen you sometimes can’t find it? You can always find these. They know you need them and they come to your hand. They know you love the smell of permanent marker, more would be better. Were you looking for a ballpoint? Why would you do that? That’s a whore pen. Anything you can do with that kind you can do with one of these. You needed to write through several layers of paper at once. These pens know your every whim and might be just a little jealous. Keep them away from those asshole mechanical pencils.

Two Cooing Decisive Stuffed Animals
Soft and cuddly, these stuffed animals have clearly seen years of love and care. They’ve been damaged and repaired countless times. Tiny patches on elbows stitched, pockets resewn, an eye-button replaced. They’re calm and reassuring, creating a feeling of contentment in their owner. However, these are toys of definite opinions. Normally they keep these to themselves, after all they’re not rude. But should their owner vent to them about a bad day, ask a rhetorical question, or wish they could help him- they will. They’re full of clever advice, plots and plans which they are dead certain about. They don’t like pussy-footing about. Problems must be dealt with directly and forcefully. They also don’t take kindly to having their suggestions ignored or shot down as ‘excessive,’ ‘illegal,’ or ‘murderous.’

One Singular Bombilating Pear Tree
A living tree in a pot, amazing. The fruits on it look so ripe. What’s that buzzing sound? Is that coming from the pears?

Another in our Goblin Market Series (see here and here)